piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
