I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
