What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm both gender and math confused
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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