I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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