If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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