Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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