finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
