You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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