You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
