I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
