Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
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