I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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