i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
