When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
