i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
