i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
