Where is the hickey?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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