Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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