Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
