the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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