I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
