I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
