apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
