Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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