Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
