Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
