I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
All I want is dick and wine.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
