Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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