Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
