Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
