All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We're too hungover to prance.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I need to align my fucking chakras
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
