Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
