hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
