i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
