i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
