Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
