I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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