I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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