A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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