omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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