Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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