i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
