So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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