Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
