I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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