I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
COCAINE IS GR8
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
