Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
