I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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