I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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