i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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